lately i've been feeling like a falling bomb

Every once in a while something comes along and makes a profound impact in my life. it can be anything, a person, a place, or even just a couple of words muttered from someone i've never met before. most of the time when things like this happen my first instinct is to run. i'm so worried about ruining something good that when these good things finally show up, i run as far away from them as i can, and lately, it's been happening again.

every so often i get very restless and all i want to do is pack up and move somewhere else. i've lived in wausau for almost 14 months now, which happens to be the longest i have been in one place since i left my parents house for the first time at 18. at this point, i'm really starting to feel restless again. i'm questioning why i came here in the first place and looking for any reason i can find to just pack up and go. truth is, i'm having an issue. and of course with me being me, it involves a girl. i've been alone for over two years now. at first i was grateful and happy to be on my own. it gave me a chance to flirt and not feel bad, to be a social person again without worrying about being to flirty. everyone told me how great it was to be single, how much more fun it would be without being weighed down. truth is, i miss having that person. i miss the companionship, no matter how shitty it got near the end. i just miss having someone to tell me that i was doing alright, and that things were going to be okay. and of course someone to curl up with at the end of a long day, throw in a movie and just fall asleep together on the couch.

my own fears drive me away from the people that i want nothing more than to spend time with. i wish i was more confident, i wish i wasn't worried about losing one of the few things thats kept a smile on my face the last year. i sit on the sidelines and hope that through subtle hints, maybe, just maybe, she would notice. and here i am now even, sitting at my desk, writing this down, and hoping maybe she'll notice, because i'm just to scared to say her name.

so whats my solution to all of this? well all my head is screaming right now is run. run as far away as you can. move away, don't tell anyone, and just start over. again.

i just don't know what to do anymore, i'm second guessing all of the choices i've made in the last year. a whole bunch of the friends i've made have already left or are leaving soon. what's to say that tomorrow i throw some of my shit in my car and drive away and forget the last year of my life happened?

i'm torn between what i want and whats realistic. i have terrible self esteem, have no confidence, constantly feel bad for myself, and am questioning my every decision and every choice. self pity is a bitch, and i'm sick of her bearing her teeth in my face.