you'll have to face the consequences that can bring you down

i think i have a knack for fucking things up.

you would think that years of being over cautious would be a positive thing. after the last couple of months i can honestly say that playing it safe is the best way to ruin everything. you need to take chances, you need to take risks. sometimes, you need to just go for it. i tend to spend so much time worrying about everything in my life that by the time i decide to do something about it i've already fucked it up so bad there is no way back. it's so hard to break out of these patterns that hold us. my entire young life i was told that everything good comes to those who wait. i do a lot of waiting, and true, some of the things i want, i get. but a lot of the time, i just end up disappointed and wondering why i didn't try going for it earlier.

self-esteem has always been an issue for me. talk to the people i hang out with the most and they'll call you a dirty liar. "frank? he's so crazy and out going, how could he have an issue with self esteem?" the sad truth is that i tend to put on a face when i get into public. not to say that i'm not extroverted and outgoing, it's just that i'm always analyzing every move that i'm making and every response that i get from everyone, and with everyone comes more stress. i get so worried about how people view me and what they think of me that some nights i get physically sick. i care so much about how other people see me that it makes me sick, literally and figuratively. it's a large burden that i've been dealing with since my early high school years, and this is one of the first times i've ever said anything about it. i'll spend fifteen minutes staring at facebook trying to figure out a witty status that will make people perceive me the way i want them to perceive me. most days i just feel fake and that is an awful awful feeling.

i really believe that there are few people who know the real me. hell, sometimes i don't even think i know the real me. i have been struggling with this for so many years and i've never said anything, more than likely because i was worried about how people would look at me afterwards. but i guess the only way to deal with your problems is the tackle them head on.

so here i am world, putting myself out there for everyone to see. bring it on world, you big ugly bitch you.

sleep with all the lights on, your not so happy, your not secure

i went out for the first time in a long time last night and i can honestly say i had a good time. the only thing that brought the night down was how damn tired i was. it was so good to just get out and have a good time with my friends, i really don't get to do that enough. even if it is just a couple of beers and a couple of songs, it's so much better than sitting at home by myself.

so heres to all those overcrowded bars

singing songs to the bottom of the bottle

close your eyes and raise your glasses

to the fading streetlights

to the cracks in the pavement

walking home with a swagger in your step

and a song in your head

hand in hand with the moonlight

there's a million other people that i found that care more than i ever will

i need to learn to control my emotions.

i tend to find myself in the same position night after night. i tell myself that i have no expectations, when in my head i know i do, and when what i expect doesn't happen i go into a tailspin. i have this bad tendency to let my emotions get the best of me, and in some cases, they ruin my night. i know i should just enjoy what i have and have a good time but my head and my heart have this problem where they can never agree with each other.

i think i've just been to emo lately. the stress of school, work, and everything else is finally getting to me and i think it's all just coming out at once.

the one thing that has made the situation more bearable is the fact that i've been talking to someone about it. and this time, i'm sure that person isn't going to just disappear on me. it's always good to have someone to reassure you and talk you down when you have a shitty day.

what we all come to need

i always seem to have the best ideas when i have no where to write them down.

when i used to come up with lines of poetry when i was working i used to call myself and leave voicemails of my ideas. my phone won't let me do that anymore so i'm really shit out of luck when it comes to trying to remember what i wanted to write. i guess i could always write it down somewhere and then bring it home, but knowing me i would lose it somewhere along the way.

i've had a lot of good lines run through my head recently, the only problem is that after a while, they all tend to sound the same, not to mention my awful perfectionism. i hate the fact that i'm so critical on my own writing and really wish that i had someone who could read it and critique it for me. i'm always over critical of myself and tend to throw out probably around 75% of what i write because i think it's no good. i want an honest critic, because i'm pretty sure i'm a little biased.

this semester of school is really starting to wear me out. for the first time ever, i'm honestly enjoying school. i don't dread going, i don't put off my work, and i'm actually interested in what i'm learning. it may have taken almost six years to finally find it, but i think i've found my groove in school. my big issue is all of the time that i have to put into it. i knew going in it was going to be a big commitment, but i didn't think it would be this intense. i'm at school five days a week, weather i'm in class or just doing homework, i'm there. couple that with work and i'm just physically and emotionally drained. now don't get me wrong, i finally love what i'm doing, and i know that this is what i want to do. i just think it's going to take some time to get used to the intense schedule.

i've started ending my nights by listening to pelican and just laying in bed with a notebook and a pen. it's really the only time that i get to just relax and forget about the world. i love just floating amongst my words and the beautiful images that the music creates.

my words are like arrows

my mouth the bow

waiting for you to lower your shield

and let the steel pierce your mind

i'm a loner dottie, they call me rebel yellow

what do you do when the only places that you feel like you really belong aren't where you are?

i am someone who thrives on contact. i love just being with people. even if it involves nothing more than just sitting around and being bored together, it's better than sitting around and being bored alone. but what do you do when your best friend lives almost 900 miles away? yeah, you can talk to them on the phone, but sometimes you just need more than that. sometimes you need to sit in a grubby diner, have a cup of coffee, and just talk all night. i would really love to have that back.

this doesn't mean that i don't have friends, because i do and i am far beyond thankful for them. without tuesday nights i think i may have just gone insane over the past few months.

i miss that daily contact. knowing that there is always someone i can call who will be willing to take some time out of their day to just waste with me. i understand people have busy lives, and especially at this age where we are all in the heart of our school, it's hard to make time, but i'm just looking for maybe an hour, some time to let off steam and just have those conversations.

maybe someday soon i'll find her and she can be that conversation that i need.

leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

"do you recognize when the world won't stop for you?

or when the days don't care what you got to do?

or when your weights to tough to lift up, what do you do?

don't let them choose for you" - P.O.S

everyone, at some point in their lives realizes that it's time for a change. not just in where you live, or a small change in your daily routine, but a true change. i tell myself daily that i need that change, and up until now thats all i did, tell myself. it's time to act, it's time to take these things i say and make them true.

life is what you make it. it sounds cliche, but it's just to true to ignore.