sever the ties, bury your lies, and say goodbye

i have spent so much time trying to not get caught up in the bullshit. i've tried so hard to just enjoy all of my friends and the time i get to spend with them. but i guess some people just can't see that.

i've heard so many bad things and i just tried to look past them because you seemed like a nice person. but like they say, if the shoe fits. and let me tell you, the shoe fits oh so perfectly.

i don't like liars.

i'm glad i have the friends i do, i think without them i would go crazy. three of you in particular. i think you know who you are.

these days come and these days go, but if i don't try, i'll never know

on tuesday i leave for new york for a week and a half.

i'm going to try and use this time to get my head straight. i've been feeling so many different things lately, and i think this trip is just what i need. i'm so looking forward to spending my nights out on the balcony of my grandparents eighth floor apartment, drinking a cold beer, and letting everything bad thats happened recently just roll off my shoulders.

the city calms me down, always has, and though it may be strange, it's the way i am. i have an easier time falling asleep to the sounds of the city, then falling asleep in silence. the commotion, the calamity, the sheer size of everything just puts me in such a great state of mind. when i'm in the city i'm nothing special, i'm just another person among almost 20,000,000. i can wander the streets and just be anonymous, which every once in a while, is very nice. just wandering the streets of manhattan gives me a sense of calmness, that for some reason, i just can't find here in the small towns of the midwest. now don't get me wrong, i love wisconsin, living here almost 15 years will do that to a person, but i think i'll always be a city kid at heart. and hopefully one day, i can fall asleep every night to the sound of car horns and the shine of the bright city lights.

i'm not only excited to be in the city again, but i'm also excited to see some family that i haven't seen in a while. my aunt, uncle, and cousin, who live in prague, in the czech republic, are also going to be there. the last time i saw them was in 2007 on my cousin anna's 4th birthday. so needless to say i'm very much looking forward to seeing them again.

in my dreams

i live in the silhouettes of the skyscrapers

shadows stretching city blocks show me the way home

the bright lights rock me to sleep

and the car horns sing the lullabies

but the city

she never sleeps

when your path has already been walked, when the hourglass is fooling you

at this point, numbers count for nothing.

another year older, and yet again, nothing has really changed. whenever i have a birthday i tell myself that i'm going to do this differently. this is going to be the year. 23 is going to be it. the year i finally get myself off the ground. i'm going to start sticking up for myself, and for the first couple of days, i do. and then you realize the fact that being 23 is no different from being 22, or even 21 for that matter. ages after 21 just tend to be a label we put on ourselves so that we feel more motivated. when your 21 your still young, ready to take on the world on your own. and now, only two years later, here i am, worried that 23 is old, and that i really need to get my ass in gear.

numbers count for nothing. the fact that i'm 23 means nothing. all it means is that 23 years ago, i was just being born. i think sometimes people let things like age get to them to much. weather your 14 or 57, it doesn't matter. we all begin our lives at different points, and realizing that is the first step to really beginning my life.

brooklyn brooklyn take me in

i've been asking myself a lot of questions lately. it started small, just little simple questions like when am i going to get this paper done. lately though, it's moved onto to much larger things. where do i want to live when i finish school? do i want to stay in wisconsin? can i really deal with starting over? those among many other questions, that for now, i'm going to keep to myself. it's scary to really think about all of this. hands down, without a doubt, i love this state. i say it so many times, and it never gets less true. wisconsin is my home, and be that as it may, i'm not sure if this is where i want to spend the rest of my life. i know so many people that have spent their entire life in the same place, and i don't want to be that person. there are so many places i would love to live and work, not only that, i just want to see so many places. life is scary, you just don't realize it until it's knocking down your door demanding answers to questions you haven't even thought about yet. here i am, almost 23, and scared of thinking about my future. i find myself able to help everyone else answer their questions, calm them down, and just make them feel like everything is okay. the only person i have issues with that is myself. i never think things are going to be okay. i never know how to calm myself down. and i'll be damned if i can answer a single question that i pose to myself. i want to know what the future holds. i want to know that everything is going to be alright. really, i just want the assurance that i'm not a complete fuck up.

is that really to much to ask?

it's hard to support your friends when they do things you really don't believe in. but being a true friend means supporting them through everything. no exceptions. right?

you are my song, and you are where i want to be

i wish i was a mind reader. that would be nice. really nice.

what you always wanted

my life is becoming a tornado of school and work. i cannot wait for summer to get here. i need a break.

enjoying school doesn't change the fact that after a while you need a break. spring break was nice, but i could really use a real vacation. hopefully this summer i'll get to take a trip to new york and at least pretend that i live there. i guess all i can do now is keep telling myself that i'll get there one day.

i'd rather get burned than never have tried.

last laugh lands on the man with the plan to do all that he came to do

the past is the past.

i enjoyed my spring break far beyond the fullest extent. seeing everyone in green bay always makes me happy. this time was different though. for the first time, i explained to one of my friends why i can't live in green bay. being here in wausau gives me the opportunity to focus on school, and not have to worry as much about all the distractions that green bay places before me. yes, in the end it should come down to self control, but self control has always been one of my major problems. i have trouble telling myself no, and being in wausau is helping me very much in that area. i'm finally happy where i am, i'm far enough away from the distractions that they won't hinder me, but i'm close enough that i can go and visit on the weekends. my friends are my life, and without them, i don't know what i would do.

i do enjoy school, but i am very much looking forward to the summer. there are a whole bunch of awesome things that i'm looking forward to. warped tour, lollapalooza, and tons of other concerts. not only that, i'm going to go to new york at some point this summer which is oh so very exciting. i miss the city so much it's not even funny.

baseball season started today.