i want the work i do to be a bigger point of pride

it seems i've made another one of those life changing decisions, though they tend to lose that "life changing" feel after about four or five of them.

i've spent over a year in criminal justice, and after that year and a half i can honestly say that i don't have the passion required for it. criminal justice requires an extreme amount of passion and dedication, which i find myself without. after trudging through the first few weeks of this semester i found myself wanting something else, i was unhappy and had no one to talk to about it, so i just dealt. but now, after many sleepless nights i have, once again, decided to make a change. i want to do something that i AM actually passionate about. now what was it that i wanted to do when i first left high school...english i believe it was? oh yeah, one of the few things in the world that i'm truely passionate about, my writing. after five years, after not being in school for it, after telling myself it was a dumb idea, i find myself right back at square one. the same place i found myself five years ago, except with one big difference. this time i want to be here. this time i want to go to school, no one is pushing me into it.

after two more semesters here in wausau i'm going to go to school at UWSP for english, which is what i should have done it the first place, but i guess you have to make some mistakes to find what you really want, though in my case i think i've made more than enough mistakes already.

i finally feel like i'm settled somewhere which is something i haven't felt since high school, and even then i just wanted to leave. for the first time in a very long i find myself not wanting to leave where i am. the last month has been hard, trying to figure all this out while still maintaining a positive disposition. but now that i have it out there i feel so much better. i may be 23, and i'll be 24 before i actually get to point, but i feel like this is finally a real new fresh beginning. i know i'll never be 18 again, and i'll never feel the way i did when i first left home, but i'm hoping that i can at least feel a little nostalgia for those days.

patience

self doubt has always been one of the hurdles i can't seem to overcome. i never have enough confidence in myself to follow through on anything and it kills me. the wall i put up is finally starting to show it's holes. i'm 23 years old, i can't pretend i'm 18 forever.

i'm afraid of what the future holds and just wish i had someone with me to share my fears

tonight i realized that i'm pretty sure i can narrow down the single moment in my life that i began to stop trusting people. five years ago i put my trust in someone and i was lied to and told that i just needed to deal with it by everyone who i told about it. fuck you. seriously fuck you. fuck both of you. i know it sounds arrogant to blame something so big on a single event in my life, but i can't think of very many moments before that i found myself not fully trusting people. ever since then i've found myself second guessing myself and keeping things from people i called friends. my friends deserve better than that from me. i want nothing more than to trust people and to be able to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. i've become so empty. i get so angry and never share it with anyone because i'm so afraid of losing friends. i never tell the full truth because i don't want people to judge me. i agree with everyone as to not start arguments and then find myself in situations where all i can do is lie my way out. i'm sick and disgusted at myself.

i look at myself in the mirror and all i can think about is how fake i've been to everyone i know for the last five years. i can't apologize to everyone, god knows, that would take years, but i guess the best i can do now is to just try and slowly break these habits that i have. my life is a mess and the only person that can fix it is me.