patience

self doubt has always been one of the hurdles i can't seem to overcome. i never have enough confidence in myself to follow through on anything and it kills me. the wall i put up is finally starting to show it's holes. i'm 23 years old, i can't pretend i'm 18 forever.

i'm afraid of what the future holds and just wish i had someone with me to share my fears

tonight i realized that i'm pretty sure i can narrow down the single moment in my life that i began to stop trusting people. five years ago i put my trust in someone and i was lied to and told that i just needed to deal with it by everyone who i told about it. fuck you. seriously fuck you. fuck both of you. i know it sounds arrogant to blame something so big on a single event in my life, but i can't think of very many moments before that i found myself not fully trusting people. ever since then i've found myself second guessing myself and keeping things from people i called friends. my friends deserve better than that from me. i want nothing more than to trust people and to be able to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. i've become so empty. i get so angry and never share it with anyone because i'm so afraid of losing friends. i never tell the full truth because i don't want people to judge me. i agree with everyone as to not start arguments and then find myself in situations where all i can do is lie my way out. i'm sick and disgusted at myself.

i look at myself in the mirror and all i can think about is how fake i've been to everyone i know for the last five years. i can't apologize to everyone, god knows, that would take years, but i guess the best i can do now is to just try and slowly break these habits that i have. my life is a mess and the only person that can fix it is me.