pretend i'm happy

people ask me why i don't smile as much as i used to. after so much goes wrong, you just stop expecting anything to go right. and the worst part is that i only have myself to blame. i'm just so sick of pretending to be happy.

twine

i'm still not sure, but i feel like i made quite the mistake today.

i know my other half is out there.

i want the work i do to be a bigger point of pride

it seems i've made another one of those life changing decisions, though they tend to lose that "life changing" feel after about four or five of them.

i've spent over a year in criminal justice, and after that year and a half i can honestly say that i don't have the passion required for it. criminal justice requires an extreme amount of passion and dedication, which i find myself without. after trudging through the first few weeks of this semester i found myself wanting something else, i was unhappy and had no one to talk to about it, so i just dealt. but now, after many sleepless nights i have, once again, decided to make a change. i want to do something that i AM actually passionate about. now what was it that i wanted to do when i first left high school...english i believe it was? oh yeah, one of the few things in the world that i'm truely passionate about, my writing. after five years, after not being in school for it, after telling myself it was a dumb idea, i find myself right back at square one. the same place i found myself five years ago, except with one big difference. this time i want to be here. this time i want to go to school, no one is pushing me into it.

after two more semesters here in wausau i'm going to go to school at UWSP for english, which is what i should have done it the first place, but i guess you have to make some mistakes to find what you really want, though in my case i think i've made more than enough mistakes already.

i finally feel like i'm settled somewhere which is something i haven't felt since high school, and even then i just wanted to leave. for the first time in a very long i find myself not wanting to leave where i am. the last month has been hard, trying to figure all this out while still maintaining a positive disposition. but now that i have it out there i feel so much better. i may be 23, and i'll be 24 before i actually get to point, but i feel like this is finally a real new fresh beginning. i know i'll never be 18 again, and i'll never feel the way i did when i first left home, but i'm hoping that i can at least feel a little nostalgia for those days.

patience

self doubt has always been one of the hurdles i can't seem to overcome. i never have enough confidence in myself to follow through on anything and it kills me. the wall i put up is finally starting to show it's holes. i'm 23 years old, i can't pretend i'm 18 forever.

i'm afraid of what the future holds and just wish i had someone with me to share my fears

tonight i realized that i'm pretty sure i can narrow down the single moment in my life that i began to stop trusting people. five years ago i put my trust in someone and i was lied to and told that i just needed to deal with it by everyone who i told about it. fuck you. seriously fuck you. fuck both of you. i know it sounds arrogant to blame something so big on a single event in my life, but i can't think of very many moments before that i found myself not fully trusting people. ever since then i've found myself second guessing myself and keeping things from people i called friends. my friends deserve better than that from me. i want nothing more than to trust people and to be able to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. i've become so empty. i get so angry and never share it with anyone because i'm so afraid of losing friends. i never tell the full truth because i don't want people to judge me. i agree with everyone as to not start arguments and then find myself in situations where all i can do is lie my way out. i'm sick and disgusted at myself.

i look at myself in the mirror and all i can think about is how fake i've been to everyone i know for the last five years. i can't apologize to everyone, god knows, that would take years, but i guess the best i can do now is to just try and slowly break these habits that i have. my life is a mess and the only person that can fix it is me.

lately i've been feeling like a falling bomb

Every once in a while something comes along and makes a profound impact in my life. it can be anything, a person, a place, or even just a couple of words muttered from someone i've never met before. most of the time when things like this happen my first instinct is to run. i'm so worried about ruining something good that when these good things finally show up, i run as far away from them as i can, and lately, it's been happening again.

every so often i get very restless and all i want to do is pack up and move somewhere else. i've lived in wausau for almost 14 months now, which happens to be the longest i have been in one place since i left my parents house for the first time at 18. at this point, i'm really starting to feel restless again. i'm questioning why i came here in the first place and looking for any reason i can find to just pack up and go. truth is, i'm having an issue. and of course with me being me, it involves a girl. i've been alone for over two years now. at first i was grateful and happy to be on my own. it gave me a chance to flirt and not feel bad, to be a social person again without worrying about being to flirty. everyone told me how great it was to be single, how much more fun it would be without being weighed down. truth is, i miss having that person. i miss the companionship, no matter how shitty it got near the end. i just miss having someone to tell me that i was doing alright, and that things were going to be okay. and of course someone to curl up with at the end of a long day, throw in a movie and just fall asleep together on the couch.

my own fears drive me away from the people that i want nothing more than to spend time with. i wish i was more confident, i wish i wasn't worried about losing one of the few things thats kept a smile on my face the last year. i sit on the sidelines and hope that through subtle hints, maybe, just maybe, she would notice. and here i am now even, sitting at my desk, writing this down, and hoping maybe she'll notice, because i'm just to scared to say her name.

so whats my solution to all of this? well all my head is screaming right now is run. run as far away as you can. move away, don't tell anyone, and just start over. again.

i just don't know what to do anymore, i'm second guessing all of the choices i've made in the last year. a whole bunch of the friends i've made have already left or are leaving soon. what's to say that tomorrow i throw some of my shit in my car and drive away and forget the last year of my life happened?

i'm torn between what i want and whats realistic. i have terrible self esteem, have no confidence, constantly feel bad for myself, and am questioning my every decision and every choice. self pity is a bitch, and i'm sick of her bearing her teeth in my face.

sever the ties, bury your lies, and say goodbye

i have spent so much time trying to not get caught up in the bullshit. i've tried so hard to just enjoy all of my friends and the time i get to spend with them. but i guess some people just can't see that.

i've heard so many bad things and i just tried to look past them because you seemed like a nice person. but like they say, if the shoe fits. and let me tell you, the shoe fits oh so perfectly.

i don't like liars.

i'm glad i have the friends i do, i think without them i would go crazy. three of you in particular. i think you know who you are.

these days come and these days go, but if i don't try, i'll never know

on tuesday i leave for new york for a week and a half.

i'm going to try and use this time to get my head straight. i've been feeling so many different things lately, and i think this trip is just what i need. i'm so looking forward to spending my nights out on the balcony of my grandparents eighth floor apartment, drinking a cold beer, and letting everything bad thats happened recently just roll off my shoulders.

the city calms me down, always has, and though it may be strange, it's the way i am. i have an easier time falling asleep to the sounds of the city, then falling asleep in silence. the commotion, the calamity, the sheer size of everything just puts me in such a great state of mind. when i'm in the city i'm nothing special, i'm just another person among almost 20,000,000. i can wander the streets and just be anonymous, which every once in a while, is very nice. just wandering the streets of manhattan gives me a sense of calmness, that for some reason, i just can't find here in the small towns of the midwest. now don't get me wrong, i love wisconsin, living here almost 15 years will do that to a person, but i think i'll always be a city kid at heart. and hopefully one day, i can fall asleep every night to the sound of car horns and the shine of the bright city lights.

i'm not only excited to be in the city again, but i'm also excited to see some family that i haven't seen in a while. my aunt, uncle, and cousin, who live in prague, in the czech republic, are also going to be there. the last time i saw them was in 2007 on my cousin anna's 4th birthday. so needless to say i'm very much looking forward to seeing them again.

in my dreams

i live in the silhouettes of the skyscrapers

shadows stretching city blocks show me the way home

the bright lights rock me to sleep

and the car horns sing the lullabies

but the city

she never sleeps