you'll have to face the consequences that can bring you down

i think i have a knack for fucking things up.

you would think that years of being over cautious would be a positive thing. after the last couple of months i can honestly say that playing it safe is the best way to ruin everything. you need to take chances, you need to take risks. sometimes, you need to just go for it. i tend to spend so much time worrying about everything in my life that by the time i decide to do something about it i've already fucked it up so bad there is no way back. it's so hard to break out of these patterns that hold us. my entire young life i was told that everything good comes to those who wait. i do a lot of waiting, and true, some of the things i want, i get. but a lot of the time, i just end up disappointed and wondering why i didn't try going for it earlier.

self-esteem has always been an issue for me. talk to the people i hang out with the most and they'll call you a dirty liar. "frank? he's so crazy and out going, how could he have an issue with self esteem?" the sad truth is that i tend to put on a face when i get into public. not to say that i'm not extroverted and outgoing, it's just that i'm always analyzing every move that i'm making and every response that i get from everyone, and with everyone comes more stress. i get so worried about how people view me and what they think of me that some nights i get physically sick. i care so much about how other people see me that it makes me sick, literally and figuratively. it's a large burden that i've been dealing with since my early high school years, and this is one of the first times i've ever said anything about it. i'll spend fifteen minutes staring at facebook trying to figure out a witty status that will make people perceive me the way i want them to perceive me. most days i just feel fake and that is an awful awful feeling.

i really believe that there are few people who know the real me. hell, sometimes i don't even think i know the real me. i have been struggling with this for so many years and i've never said anything, more than likely because i was worried about how people would look at me afterwards. but i guess the only way to deal with your problems is the tackle them head on.

so here i am world, putting myself out there for everyone to see. bring it on world, you big ugly bitch you.