private eye

lately i've been trying not to get my hopes up as life seems to like to throw it back in my face. but tonight, i'm hoping, maybe for once in the last oh say, six years or so, something might go right for me. i guess i can tell myself all that i want that i'm not going to get my hopes up and just take whatever comes. in all reality though, i do have my hopes high, and i'm really banking on tonight being good.

here's to high hopes and all time lows and another fresh start. 2011, please don't suck

pretend i'm happy

people ask me why i don't smile as much as i used to. after so much goes wrong, you just stop expecting anything to go right. and the worst part is that i only have myself to blame. i'm just so sick of pretending to be happy.

twine

i'm still not sure, but i feel like i made quite the mistake today.

i know my other half is out there.

i want the work i do to be a bigger point of pride

it seems i've made another one of those life changing decisions, though they tend to lose that "life changing" feel after about four or five of them.

i've spent over a year in criminal justice, and after that year and a half i can honestly say that i don't have the passion required for it. criminal justice requires an extreme amount of passion and dedication, which i find myself without. after trudging through the first few weeks of this semester i found myself wanting something else, i was unhappy and had no one to talk to about it, so i just dealt. but now, after many sleepless nights i have, once again, decided to make a change. i want to do something that i AM actually passionate about. now what was it that i wanted to do when i first left high school...english i believe it was? oh yeah, one of the few things in the world that i'm truely passionate about, my writing. after five years, after not being in school for it, after telling myself it was a dumb idea, i find myself right back at square one. the same place i found myself five years ago, except with one big difference. this time i want to be here. this time i want to go to school, no one is pushing me into it.

after two more semesters here in wausau i'm going to go to school at UWSP for english, which is what i should have done it the first place, but i guess you have to make some mistakes to find what you really want, though in my case i think i've made more than enough mistakes already.

i finally feel like i'm settled somewhere which is something i haven't felt since high school, and even then i just wanted to leave. for the first time in a very long i find myself not wanting to leave where i am. the last month has been hard, trying to figure all this out while still maintaining a positive disposition. but now that i have it out there i feel so much better. i may be 23, and i'll be 24 before i actually get to point, but i feel like this is finally a real new fresh beginning. i know i'll never be 18 again, and i'll never feel the way i did when i first left home, but i'm hoping that i can at least feel a little nostalgia for those days.

patience

self doubt has always been one of the hurdles i can't seem to overcome. i never have enough confidence in myself to follow through on anything and it kills me. the wall i put up is finally starting to show it's holes. i'm 23 years old, i can't pretend i'm 18 forever.

i'm afraid of what the future holds and just wish i had someone with me to share my fears

tonight i realized that i'm pretty sure i can narrow down the single moment in my life that i began to stop trusting people. five years ago i put my trust in someone and i was lied to and told that i just needed to deal with it by everyone who i told about it. fuck you. seriously fuck you. fuck both of you. i know it sounds arrogant to blame something so big on a single event in my life, but i can't think of very many moments before that i found myself not fully trusting people. ever since then i've found myself second guessing myself and keeping things from people i called friends. my friends deserve better than that from me. i want nothing more than to trust people and to be able to put myself out there and be vulnerable again. i've become so empty. i get so angry and never share it with anyone because i'm so afraid of losing friends. i never tell the full truth because i don't want people to judge me. i agree with everyone as to not start arguments and then find myself in situations where all i can do is lie my way out. i'm sick and disgusted at myself.

i look at myself in the mirror and all i can think about is how fake i've been to everyone i know for the last five years. i can't apologize to everyone, god knows, that would take years, but i guess the best i can do now is to just try and slowly break these habits that i have. my life is a mess and the only person that can fix it is me.

lately i've been feeling like a falling bomb

Every once in a while something comes along and makes a profound impact in my life. it can be anything, a person, a place, or even just a couple of words muttered from someone i've never met before. most of the time when things like this happen my first instinct is to run. i'm so worried about ruining something good that when these good things finally show up, i run as far away from them as i can, and lately, it's been happening again.

every so often i get very restless and all i want to do is pack up and move somewhere else. i've lived in wausau for almost 14 months now, which happens to be the longest i have been in one place since i left my parents house for the first time at 18. at this point, i'm really starting to feel restless again. i'm questioning why i came here in the first place and looking for any reason i can find to just pack up and go. truth is, i'm having an issue. and of course with me being me, it involves a girl. i've been alone for over two years now. at first i was grateful and happy to be on my own. it gave me a chance to flirt and not feel bad, to be a social person again without worrying about being to flirty. everyone told me how great it was to be single, how much more fun it would be without being weighed down. truth is, i miss having that person. i miss the companionship, no matter how shitty it got near the end. i just miss having someone to tell me that i was doing alright, and that things were going to be okay. and of course someone to curl up with at the end of a long day, throw in a movie and just fall asleep together on the couch.

my own fears drive me away from the people that i want nothing more than to spend time with. i wish i was more confident, i wish i wasn't worried about losing one of the few things thats kept a smile on my face the last year. i sit on the sidelines and hope that through subtle hints, maybe, just maybe, she would notice. and here i am now even, sitting at my desk, writing this down, and hoping maybe she'll notice, because i'm just to scared to say her name.

so whats my solution to all of this? well all my head is screaming right now is run. run as far away as you can. move away, don't tell anyone, and just start over. again.

i just don't know what to do anymore, i'm second guessing all of the choices i've made in the last year. a whole bunch of the friends i've made have already left or are leaving soon. what's to say that tomorrow i throw some of my shit in my car and drive away and forget the last year of my life happened?

i'm torn between what i want and whats realistic. i have terrible self esteem, have no confidence, constantly feel bad for myself, and am questioning my every decision and every choice. self pity is a bitch, and i'm sick of her bearing her teeth in my face.

sever the ties, bury your lies, and say goodbye

i have spent so much time trying to not get caught up in the bullshit. i've tried so hard to just enjoy all of my friends and the time i get to spend with them. but i guess some people just can't see that.

i've heard so many bad things and i just tried to look past them because you seemed like a nice person. but like they say, if the shoe fits. and let me tell you, the shoe fits oh so perfectly.

i don't like liars.

i'm glad i have the friends i do, i think without them i would go crazy. three of you in particular. i think you know who you are.

these days come and these days go, but if i don't try, i'll never know

on tuesday i leave for new york for a week and a half.

i'm going to try and use this time to get my head straight. i've been feeling so many different things lately, and i think this trip is just what i need. i'm so looking forward to spending my nights out on the balcony of my grandparents eighth floor apartment, drinking a cold beer, and letting everything bad thats happened recently just roll off my shoulders.

the city calms me down, always has, and though it may be strange, it's the way i am. i have an easier time falling asleep to the sounds of the city, then falling asleep in silence. the commotion, the calamity, the sheer size of everything just puts me in such a great state of mind. when i'm in the city i'm nothing special, i'm just another person among almost 20,000,000. i can wander the streets and just be anonymous, which every once in a while, is very nice. just wandering the streets of manhattan gives me a sense of calmness, that for some reason, i just can't find here in the small towns of the midwest. now don't get me wrong, i love wisconsin, living here almost 15 years will do that to a person, but i think i'll always be a city kid at heart. and hopefully one day, i can fall asleep every night to the sound of car horns and the shine of the bright city lights.

i'm not only excited to be in the city again, but i'm also excited to see some family that i haven't seen in a while. my aunt, uncle, and cousin, who live in prague, in the czech republic, are also going to be there. the last time i saw them was in 2007 on my cousin anna's 4th birthday. so needless to say i'm very much looking forward to seeing them again.

in my dreams

i live in the silhouettes of the skyscrapers

shadows stretching city blocks show me the way home

the bright lights rock me to sleep

and the car horns sing the lullabies

but the city

she never sleeps

when your path has already been walked, when the hourglass is fooling you

at this point, numbers count for nothing.

another year older, and yet again, nothing has really changed. whenever i have a birthday i tell myself that i'm going to do this differently. this is going to be the year. 23 is going to be it. the year i finally get myself off the ground. i'm going to start sticking up for myself, and for the first couple of days, i do. and then you realize the fact that being 23 is no different from being 22, or even 21 for that matter. ages after 21 just tend to be a label we put on ourselves so that we feel more motivated. when your 21 your still young, ready to take on the world on your own. and now, only two years later, here i am, worried that 23 is old, and that i really need to get my ass in gear.

numbers count for nothing. the fact that i'm 23 means nothing. all it means is that 23 years ago, i was just being born. i think sometimes people let things like age get to them to much. weather your 14 or 57, it doesn't matter. we all begin our lives at different points, and realizing that is the first step to really beginning my life.

brooklyn brooklyn take me in

i've been asking myself a lot of questions lately. it started small, just little simple questions like when am i going to get this paper done. lately though, it's moved onto to much larger things. where do i want to live when i finish school? do i want to stay in wisconsin? can i really deal with starting over? those among many other questions, that for now, i'm going to keep to myself. it's scary to really think about all of this. hands down, without a doubt, i love this state. i say it so many times, and it never gets less true. wisconsin is my home, and be that as it may, i'm not sure if this is where i want to spend the rest of my life. i know so many people that have spent their entire life in the same place, and i don't want to be that person. there are so many places i would love to live and work, not only that, i just want to see so many places. life is scary, you just don't realize it until it's knocking down your door demanding answers to questions you haven't even thought about yet. here i am, almost 23, and scared of thinking about my future. i find myself able to help everyone else answer their questions, calm them down, and just make them feel like everything is okay. the only person i have issues with that is myself. i never think things are going to be okay. i never know how to calm myself down. and i'll be damned if i can answer a single question that i pose to myself. i want to know what the future holds. i want to know that everything is going to be alright. really, i just want the assurance that i'm not a complete fuck up.

is that really to much to ask?

it's hard to support your friends when they do things you really don't believe in. but being a true friend means supporting them through everything. no exceptions. right?

you are my song, and you are where i want to be

i wish i was a mind reader. that would be nice. really nice.

what you always wanted

my life is becoming a tornado of school and work. i cannot wait for summer to get here. i need a break.

enjoying school doesn't change the fact that after a while you need a break. spring break was nice, but i could really use a real vacation. hopefully this summer i'll get to take a trip to new york and at least pretend that i live there. i guess all i can do now is keep telling myself that i'll get there one day.

i'd rather get burned than never have tried.

last laugh lands on the man with the plan to do all that he came to do

the past is the past.

i enjoyed my spring break far beyond the fullest extent. seeing everyone in green bay always makes me happy. this time was different though. for the first time, i explained to one of my friends why i can't live in green bay. being here in wausau gives me the opportunity to focus on school, and not have to worry as much about all the distractions that green bay places before me. yes, in the end it should come down to self control, but self control has always been one of my major problems. i have trouble telling myself no, and being in wausau is helping me very much in that area. i'm finally happy where i am, i'm far enough away from the distractions that they won't hinder me, but i'm close enough that i can go and visit on the weekends. my friends are my life, and without them, i don't know what i would do.

i do enjoy school, but i am very much looking forward to the summer. there are a whole bunch of awesome things that i'm looking forward to. warped tour, lollapalooza, and tons of other concerts. not only that, i'm going to go to new york at some point this summer which is oh so very exciting. i miss the city so much it's not even funny.

baseball season started today.

we don't throw our hands up like we don't care anymore

two things hit me tonight

first, there is nothing better than a beautiful girls arms wrapped around your chest and her head on your back.

and secondly, i really do like her. i can try to deny it to myself all i want, but it's not going to change the fact that it true.




this week has been treating me far better than i ever could have imagined.

is that all you've got

the last couple of weeks have really put me in a good place.

being in wausau has proved harder than i thought it would be. it's taken me quite some time to meet some really awesome people, but i'm finally getting out of the house more. my weekends usually consist of me getting up, going to work, and coming home and spending my night on my butt, which isn't all bad, but i wanted something more. for the last two weekends i've had people to hang out with and i've been having an amazing time. maybe it was just a matter of finding the right people, but i really feel like i'm moving the right direction. i'm happy, and i mean it.

take one step, have you got it in you?

last night i had one of the most exhilarating experiences that i've had in quite some time. i went longboarding with ben and chelsea in the wee hours of the morning. the wind was rushing through my hair, my calfs were on fire, and i could not have asked for anything else. i felt so refreshed when i woke up this morning. riding down a moonlit path next to the river just took my mind off of everything shitty that had happened in the last month. i just felt so good about everything. and even if was just for a short amount of time, i know that i'm going to get to do it all summer, and that my friends, feels amazing.

things here in wausau are really starting to look up.

and all your life, i've been pulling you out of the water

how ever much i hate to admit it, i don't think she feels the same way i feel about her, and i don't think she ever will.

that sucks. that really fucking sucks.

come around, just to feel up when you feel down

most of the time i hate mondays. it's my longest day of the week school wise, and even though i don't have work, i usually end up staying late and doing some school work. but this week was different. today, it was 62 degrees outside. 60 fucking 2 degrees. it's the fourteenth of march, most of the snow is gone, and it's warm outside and it doesn't look like it's going to get cold again anytime soon.

i went for a walk today, and man did it feel good. i walked from my house to the wausau center mall, which is about a mile each way. the beautiful weather just put me in such a good mood, which i haven't really been in to much as of late. i think winter had put me in a funk, and maybe now that it's over, things will start looking and feeling better for me.

on saturday night chelsea and i went to green bay to see poney play. it was the first time i've legitimately been back to green bay since november. being with those guys, no matter how short the amount of time, always makes me feel good. despite a lot of things that have happened, i still consider mario to be one of my best friends. and as of late myke and i have become a lot closer. and really, truth be told, i almost kind of missed living there. almost though, i wouldn;t trade where i am right now for anything in the world.

i may complain a lot, and sometimes it probably seems like i hate it here, but really, this is what i needed. an honest to god fresh beginning. i needed a clean slate, and thats what wausau gave me.

the politics of pizza delivery

i think everyone tends to sweat the little things more than they need to.

when you you were a kid your parents always told you not to sweat the small stuff. don't let the little things in life get you down. how many of us can say that we honestly don't? i know i can't.

i was at work tonight talking to one of the other delivery drivers, whose name is john. john is a crabby old man who worked in a factory for twenty years, and after getting laid off, came to work at pizza hut. to put it lightly, john is a pessimist. he hates everything, never sees the bright side of anything, and more importantly, lets every little last thing get to him. tonight he was doing his share of complaining when we got into this conversation about the politics of pizza delivery. he spent around forty five minutes standing in the back talking about what order you should drop off pizzas in, and all sorts of other dumb things that drivers get all uppity about. after having said conversation, i got in my car and headed on my next run. it was not up until this point that i realized how trivial everything that i had spent the last forty five minutes worrying about was. how in the grand scheme of things did it really matter which pizza i dropped off first, or which ones i took at all for that matter.

sometimes i think we all get so caught up in the stupid things that litter our day that we forget about the grand scheme. we forget that buried underneath all the bullshit, are real issues. we tend to ignore what really matters for the things that are placed right in front of us on a constand basis.

it's time to listen to that dumb shit that our parents told us growing up. we never wanted to believe it, but looking back, how right all of that advice is turning out to be.

don't sweat the small stuff people. life is bigger than which of the two deliveries in your car gets dropped off first. at least i hope it is.

stand up where i can see you, no reason left to hide

i guess it just took me a little time to figure it out.

one of the things that stresses me out the most is anxiety. it just gets me into these moods where nothing can go right and up until now i thought that i got anxious because of everyone around me. turns out i get anxious because of myself. in the last couple of months i've been so worried about everything going on around me that i haven't given myself the chance to just sit back and enjoy myself. i'm not going to worry anymore. i want to spend more time enjoying life and less time worrying about it.

i say it over and over, but really, i don't think i say it enough, life is what you make of it. it doesn't have to be stressful or full of anxiety if you don't want it to be. it's up to every person to make their own choices and shape their lives to be what they want them to be.

i think clarity is something that i need. it's very tough for me to not fully understand what someone is thinking. i think it's time to accept that not everything is that simple.

sometimes i feel like life is this big test. at first i was bombing out, but i'm on my second read through and i'm finally starting to get it. i feel good.

the people you miss, and the way you miss them

my heart is a hand grenade

and she pulled the pin

now all i can do is wait

and listen to that ever present sound

like a silent whisper

that you never wanted to hear

these are the people you miss

their eyes dark and heavy

their canvas bleak

sitting in circular rooms

spinning like a record

playing your favorite songs

how do you miss me?

with another face in your thoughts

strike a match to light the way

the docks are dark this time of year

the ocean reminds me of the sky

i can get lost in it forever

take a string

tie me to your heart

fly me like a kite

you'll have to face the consequences that can bring you down

i think i have a knack for fucking things up.

you would think that years of being over cautious would be a positive thing. after the last couple of months i can honestly say that playing it safe is the best way to ruin everything. you need to take chances, you need to take risks. sometimes, you need to just go for it. i tend to spend so much time worrying about everything in my life that by the time i decide to do something about it i've already fucked it up so bad there is no way back. it's so hard to break out of these patterns that hold us. my entire young life i was told that everything good comes to those who wait. i do a lot of waiting, and true, some of the things i want, i get. but a lot of the time, i just end up disappointed and wondering why i didn't try going for it earlier.

self-esteem has always been an issue for me. talk to the people i hang out with the most and they'll call you a dirty liar. "frank? he's so crazy and out going, how could he have an issue with self esteem?" the sad truth is that i tend to put on a face when i get into public. not to say that i'm not extroverted and outgoing, it's just that i'm always analyzing every move that i'm making and every response that i get from everyone, and with everyone comes more stress. i get so worried about how people view me and what they think of me that some nights i get physically sick. i care so much about how other people see me that it makes me sick, literally and figuratively. it's a large burden that i've been dealing with since my early high school years, and this is one of the first times i've ever said anything about it. i'll spend fifteen minutes staring at facebook trying to figure out a witty status that will make people perceive me the way i want them to perceive me. most days i just feel fake and that is an awful awful feeling.

i really believe that there are few people who know the real me. hell, sometimes i don't even think i know the real me. i have been struggling with this for so many years and i've never said anything, more than likely because i was worried about how people would look at me afterwards. but i guess the only way to deal with your problems is the tackle them head on.

so here i am world, putting myself out there for everyone to see. bring it on world, you big ugly bitch you.

sleep with all the lights on, your not so happy, your not secure

i went out for the first time in a long time last night and i can honestly say i had a good time. the only thing that brought the night down was how damn tired i was. it was so good to just get out and have a good time with my friends, i really don't get to do that enough. even if it is just a couple of beers and a couple of songs, it's so much better than sitting at home by myself.

so heres to all those overcrowded bars

singing songs to the bottom of the bottle

close your eyes and raise your glasses

to the fading streetlights

to the cracks in the pavement

walking home with a swagger in your step

and a song in your head

hand in hand with the moonlight

there's a million other people that i found that care more than i ever will

i need to learn to control my emotions.

i tend to find myself in the same position night after night. i tell myself that i have no expectations, when in my head i know i do, and when what i expect doesn't happen i go into a tailspin. i have this bad tendency to let my emotions get the best of me, and in some cases, they ruin my night. i know i should just enjoy what i have and have a good time but my head and my heart have this problem where they can never agree with each other.

i think i've just been to emo lately. the stress of school, work, and everything else is finally getting to me and i think it's all just coming out at once.

the one thing that has made the situation more bearable is the fact that i've been talking to someone about it. and this time, i'm sure that person isn't going to just disappear on me. it's always good to have someone to reassure you and talk you down when you have a shitty day.

what we all come to need

i always seem to have the best ideas when i have no where to write them down.

when i used to come up with lines of poetry when i was working i used to call myself and leave voicemails of my ideas. my phone won't let me do that anymore so i'm really shit out of luck when it comes to trying to remember what i wanted to write. i guess i could always write it down somewhere and then bring it home, but knowing me i would lose it somewhere along the way.

i've had a lot of good lines run through my head recently, the only problem is that after a while, they all tend to sound the same, not to mention my awful perfectionism. i hate the fact that i'm so critical on my own writing and really wish that i had someone who could read it and critique it for me. i'm always over critical of myself and tend to throw out probably around 75% of what i write because i think it's no good. i want an honest critic, because i'm pretty sure i'm a little biased.

this semester of school is really starting to wear me out. for the first time ever, i'm honestly enjoying school. i don't dread going, i don't put off my work, and i'm actually interested in what i'm learning. it may have taken almost six years to finally find it, but i think i've found my groove in school. my big issue is all of the time that i have to put into it. i knew going in it was going to be a big commitment, but i didn't think it would be this intense. i'm at school five days a week, weather i'm in class or just doing homework, i'm there. couple that with work and i'm just physically and emotionally drained. now don't get me wrong, i finally love what i'm doing, and i know that this is what i want to do. i just think it's going to take some time to get used to the intense schedule.

i've started ending my nights by listening to pelican and just laying in bed with a notebook and a pen. it's really the only time that i get to just relax and forget about the world. i love just floating amongst my words and the beautiful images that the music creates.

my words are like arrows

my mouth the bow

waiting for you to lower your shield

and let the steel pierce your mind

i'm a loner dottie, they call me rebel yellow

what do you do when the only places that you feel like you really belong aren't where you are?

i am someone who thrives on contact. i love just being with people. even if it involves nothing more than just sitting around and being bored together, it's better than sitting around and being bored alone. but what do you do when your best friend lives almost 900 miles away? yeah, you can talk to them on the phone, but sometimes you just need more than that. sometimes you need to sit in a grubby diner, have a cup of coffee, and just talk all night. i would really love to have that back.

this doesn't mean that i don't have friends, because i do and i am far beyond thankful for them. without tuesday nights i think i may have just gone insane over the past few months.

i miss that daily contact. knowing that there is always someone i can call who will be willing to take some time out of their day to just waste with me. i understand people have busy lives, and especially at this age where we are all in the heart of our school, it's hard to make time, but i'm just looking for maybe an hour, some time to let off steam and just have those conversations.

maybe someday soon i'll find her and she can be that conversation that i need.

leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

"do you recognize when the world won't stop for you?

or when the days don't care what you got to do?

or when your weights to tough to lift up, what do you do?

don't let them choose for you" - P.O.S

everyone, at some point in their lives realizes that it's time for a change. not just in where you live, or a small change in your daily routine, but a true change. i tell myself daily that i need that change, and up until now thats all i did, tell myself. it's time to act, it's time to take these things i say and make them true.

life is what you make it. it sounds cliche, but it's just to true to ignore.